


for fear that you'd find out

by thishazeleyeddemon



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Affection, Angst with a Happy Ending, Confessions, Demisexuality, First Kiss, M/M, Michael has Guilt Crisis, Post-Episode: s15e08 Our Father Who Aren't in Heaven, SOO much talking., but affection, it's a vague mention but still, these guys never shut up, weird affection for weird people
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-04
Updated: 2021-02-04
Packaged: 2021-03-16 07:41:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29203788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thishazeleyeddemon/pseuds/thishazeleyeddemon
Summary: Adam was…well. Adam was a lot of things, like tired, and furious, and still reeling from having to see the Winchesters again (it took them hours to even think about saying sorry -), but right now, Adam was mostly concerned.They’d fled the Bunker, and Adam had been expecting Michael to try and fly them away immediately, but he’d barely stirred. As soon as they’d gotten out of the Winchesters’ sight, Michael had…well, collapsed was the only word. He’d disappeared into the back of their shared mind, the massive inferno of his presence retreating until it was something closer to a candle flickering in the distance. He’d responded when Adam had called his name, but not to do anything - just a little stir, enough for Adam to know he’d been heard but nothing more.It wasn’t like Adam could blame him.
Relationships: Michael/Adam Milligan
Comments: 13
Kudos: 50





	for fear that you'd find out

**Author's Note:**

> this is so sappy lmao

Adam was…well. Adam was a lot of things, like tired, and furious, and still reeling from having to see the Winchesters again ~~_(it took them hours to even think about saying sorry -)_~~ , but right now, Adam was mostly concerned.

They’d fled the Bunker, and Adam had been expecting Michael to try and fly them away immediately, but he’d barely stirred. As soon as they’d gotten out of the Winchesters’ sight, Michael had…well, collapsed was the only word. He’d disappeared into the back of their shared mind, the massive inferno of his presence retreating until it was something closer to a candle flickering in the distance. He’d responded when Adam had called his name, but not to do anything - just a little stir, enough for Adam to know he’d been heard but nothing more.

It wasn’t like Adam could blame him.

 _Michael?_ Adam had called. _Michael, if you don’t fly us away, I’m going to have to try, and then we’ll crash into a star or something. Come on, do you want to stay near the Winchesters any longer?_

Almost immediately, the world fell away around them, and if Adam hadn’t been so concerned he would have laughed. He wasn’t aware that the thought of him flying was such a threat. Or maybe it was just being near the Winchesters.

He heard Michael shift, the buzz of his awareness, but instead of making some sarcastic comment or talking about teaching him how to fly, he retreated back into the dark. Adam swallowed, his heart sore.

When the world rebuilt itself around them, they were in the woods. Adam couldn’t guess where - the sun was high and the air was cool, light filtering through the thick canopy above. They were in a small glade, the grass thick and spongy underneath Adam’s feet. In the distance, he heard the chirp of birds and the flap of tiny wings, the scratch of tiny claws against bark. There was no sign, visible or audible, of humanity.

Adam sighed, found a spot against a tree that was relatively free of brush to scrape against him, sat down, and waited.

The sun had dipped lower in the sky, the shadows stretching across the glade like long fingers, and Adam had nearly fallen asleep when there was a rush and Michael appeared next to him. Adam sat up hurriedly, but Michael didn’t say anything, only sitting down on the grass next to him.

Adam eyed him nervously. His apparition didn’t tear up like a human body would - didn’t really show any emotion unless Michael remembered to - so to the eye, he looked calm, blank, still. But Adam could feel his presence buzzing in his chest, sparking and boiling, and saw that his apparition was flickering and almost transparent. Adam swallowed, his stomach flipping.

“Hey,” he prompted gently. “You…” His voice failed him. _Obviously_ Michael wasn’t okay.

He swallowed and tried again. “Do you…can I help?” He didn’t know what he could do, but if there was anything, he would do it. He would do anything for Michael.

Michael simply stared at him for a moment. He had Adam’s eyes, technically, but Adam could see his real eye color shining from behind - that infinite, starlit blue. Then all of a sudden, his shoulders drooped, and he sighed, looking away into the trees.

“You already have,” he said quietly.

Adam swallowed again. His voice was rough, thick, like his vocal cords - ones that he didn’t technically have in his apparition - were strained from crying. Adam reached for him, pausing before he actually touched him - was that okay, was that too much, everything was - but before Adam could twist himself too far into knots, Michael leaned forward, so Adam’s hand was resting on the side of his head. He closed his eyes. His skin buzzed like electricity under Adam’s fingers.

Adam’s heart hammered against his chest.

It wasn’t like they hadn’t touched each other in the Cage - once Michael had started to realize that “taking his punishment” wasn’t changing anything about their circumstances, once he’d gotten bored fighting with Lucifer, they’d gotten pretty cuddly to avoid the cold. Michael had even initiated a lot of it, even though he probably could have gotten warmth from Adam without using his apparition to touch him. 

This felt different, was all.

Before he could say anything, Michael spoke. His eyes were still closed. “Do you remember that question you asked me?”

Adam blinked, refocusing. “I’ve asked you a _lot_ of questions.”

“The one about Paradise.” Adam moved his hand so it was cupping Michael’s cheek, and Michael sighed, leaning into his touch before pulling back and opening his eyes. “Do you remember that one?”

_“So - just a quick question. How was Paradise supposed to work, anyway?”_

_“What?”_

_“Look, I’m just curious - what’s the plan? How was that going to work? What’s the like, structure of it?”_

_“I…I don’t have to explain it. It doesn’t matter, don’t worry about it -“_

_“Hey, hey, alright! I’ll drop it. Look, have you ever…”_

“Uh, yeah. Why?”

“Ask me that again.”

Adam looked at him, but there was no sign he was anything but serious. He stared back blankly, his eyes shadowed.

Adam nodded slowly. “How was Paradise supposed to work?”

“It wasn’t.” Michael’s voice was…strained was the only word for it. Tight with barely contained emotion - in Adam’s chest, the sparking inferno roared. “It wasn’t, it was only - a prize to search for, a cause to chase - nothing real. None of it was ever real.”

He leaned forward, like he was bowed under the weight of his guilt. “And I didn’t know. I should have known.”

“Hey…” Adam started. Michael jerked his head up.

“Am I wrong? You knew,” Michael said, his voice almost a snap. “You knew, and I didn’t. I was a fool,” and his voice was terribly bleak.

“I knew because my mom raised me to be independent, and because I hadn’t spent _billions of years_ following one person,” Adam retorted. “Your dad did the opposite of raising you to be independent.”

“That’s no excuse.” Michael laid his head in his hands. “Gabriel left, Raphael learned, Lucifer -“

He paused. “I’m not sure how much Lucifer _really_ knew, or cared,” he said, voice vaguely contemplative. “But I could have known. I could have known, and I ignored it because I was _scared_.” His voice dripped derision. “I was scared, and I -“ His voice caught.

He didn’t finish that sentence, but Adam caught the whirlwind of his thoughts. _I sent them to their doom, I destroyed, I killed, I made the world darker, all for nothing, I was a coward, a blind, selfish fool -_

“Okay, hey, _stop_.” Adam reached out and touched Michael’s knee. Michael flinched, but didn’t scoot away.

“I don’t want to pretend like you didn’t mess up,” Adam said gently. “It was wrong. But it isn’t like _you_ were the one who came up with this. You aren’t -“ He paused, before breathing out slowly and smiling wryly. “You aren’t the author of this, you know.”

Michael made a strangled noise. “I _know_ , but -“ He got up and started to pace back and forth, shoving his hands in his pockets. “I could have done _something_. I could have learned, I could have helped, I could have -“

“Michael.” Adam said firmly. “This isn’t your fault.”

He could tell that Michael was getting ready to protest, and Adam stood up and reached for his hands, interlocking their fingers before Michael could turn away. “No, _stop_ \- alright, maybe you could have done better, and you didn’t. You did terrible things, some of them to _me_ , but I’m telling you - it matters that you didn’t want to, and it matters that you figured it out. It matters - Michael?” For Michael had flinched like he’d been struck, and his presence had retreated back even further, strands of Grace pulling from Adam’s soul. His hands started to shake in Adam’s.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered.

Adam reviewed the last thing he’d said and winced. “I forgave you a long time ago,” he said gently. “You know that.”

“But I could have - I hurt you,” Michael said, and he sounded on the verge of tears. “I listened to a liar and I hurt you. You could have had a whole life like you wanted if it wasn’t for me!”

“I know you hurt me,” Adam said dryly, “I was there.” He swiped his thumb over Michael’s knuckles. “You’re forgetting that I _was_ willing, remember? I wanted to help kill Lucifer.”

“I’m sorry that I lied to you,” Michael muttered. “I shouldn’t have -“

“I _know_.” Adam squeezed his fingers. “I forgave you. You didn’t force me to, I wanted to. And it’s not like I _mind_ the idea of exploring the cosmos with my -“ his mind stuttered. “With my friend,” he said eventually. It didn’t feel quite right, but that was about as much as he was willing to think about it.

“But I just…” Michael made a soft cry, ducking his head like he couldn’t bear to look at Adam. He didn’t pull away, though. “I did so much and not all of it was - I got Raphael to stop being a healer, I sent my own siblings to die, I _hurt you_ -“ and there was something about his tone that suggested he was putting that above the others in the list of his sins “- and it was all for nothing! He told me it was _right_ so I didn’t care, I just…”

Adam paused, and then asked a question he’d never dared to in the Cage.

“Even if it had been for something,” he asked, “Would that have made it worth it?”

Michael froze - almost literally. Even the sparking electricity against his fingers stilled for a moment.

“No,” he said eventually. His tone was almost - wondering, like he was feeling out an idea for the first time. “No, not - he could have changed it,” he murmured, his grip tight on Adam’s fingers. “He could have changed his mind, he could have come up with a different plan, even if - even if it hadn’t just been for entertainment, it didn’t…it didn’t have to be this way.” He sighed, and pulled Adam’s hands up, pressing them against his forehead. “He could have come up with a different plan, or just made Paradise from the start - it didn’t need to be this way. It never needed to be this way.”

“Can I hug you?” Adam asked. Michael nodded slowly.

His apparition felt even more light and insubstantial than usual, like it was just too much effort to make something that could interact with the physical world. Michael sighed and pressed his face into Adam’s neck, clinging to Adam like he was the only thing holding him up.

“I suspected before,” he said quietly. “I suspected. I didn’t want to see.”

“What changed your mind?”

“I -“ Michael tightened his grip on Adam. “I liked you too much,” he admitted, his voice small. “I liked you, we worked well together, I wanted to have you around, and I just - I just couldn’t see how _Dean_ being my true vessel was supposed to be right, supposed to be what was best, over you.” 

“That’s -“ The sudden flood of warmth in Adam’s heart was entirely more than he was ready to deal with, and he settled for clutching Michael closer, hoping Michael could hear his reaction because there was _no way_ he could put it into words.

Inside his chest, Michael’s presence uncurled, and Adam reached out with his soul, pulling him back from where he had fled. He had heard, but he was a little short on what to say as well, so he simply sighed again, leaning into Adam, one hand pressed on his back over his heart.

“I wish I’d known sooner,” Michael admitted. “I should have…I should have listened to Gabriel. I could have had _time_.” He let out a quiet, broken noise. “We could have had time.”

“We still have time,” Adam reminded him.

“Not much!” Michael pulled back, his grip tight on Adam’s shoulders. “Father is going to destroy _all of this_ ,” he said, looking at the glade like it could disappear into mist in the next moment. “What can we do? My purpose was a lie, and Father wants to destroy us all - we could be _dead_ tomorrow. We might not have any time left at all.”

Adam waited a few beats, and then smiled. “Congratulations,” he said wryly. “You’re finally getting part of the human experience.”

“I…” Michael blinked owlishly. “Oh, of course. But…”

“None of us ever have enough time,” Adam told him. “Any of us could be dead tomorrow and we would never know, might not be able to do anything about it at all. But the important part is that _we’re alive now._ ”

“Aren’t you scared?” Michael’s gaze was searching.

Adam grinned, aware that he probably looked a little wild. His heart hammered against his chest. “Absolutely. But you know what?” He took Michael’s hands again, giving them a squeeze and enjoying the fact that he seemed more solid, more real. Inside him, Grace and soul danced. “I’d rather spend my last moments showing you around the world than worrying about what your Father is going to do. I think we’ve all worried about what he wants enough, right?”

A strained laugh burst out of Michael’s throat, and he squeezed back. “Maybe!”

“Let’s go see that star you were telling me about,” Adam said. “Let’s go to - let’s go see Venus up close, let’s go to Paris, let’s make a garden, let’s do as much stuff as we can. If you don’t have a purpose anymore, then you can do whatever you want, right? You’re free to be whoever you want.”

“And if I don’t know who that is?” Michael’s Grace was buzzing, fear and a wild, bursting joy in equal amounts. It was like back when Adam had gotten to go hiking and he'd had stood on the edge of a cliff, looking down into the vista below.

“You’ve fought Leviathans, the Darkness, ran Heaven for thousands of years,” Adam pointed out. “What’s a little introspection compared to that? No one’s ever as small as their job, you’ve got nowhere to go but up, now. And besides -“ he squeezed Michael’s hands again. “I’m here. I’m your guide.”

“You are,” Michael murmured. He didn’t seem to quite be looking at Adam. “You are here.”

“Michael?”

“Can I tell you something?” It burst out of Michael in an awkward rush.

“What - of course!” Adam tried to refocus. “You don’t have to ask. What’s up?”

“I didn’t tell you before because I wasn’t sure, and I don’t like to act if I’m not sure,” Michael said. “And then I was sure, but I was scared - I didn’t think it was for me, I didn’t think I could, I didn’t think it was right -“ He paused, and winced. “That was another clue, I guess. Forbidding me from this is cruel. But -“ He took a deep breath, and fixed Adam with a smile. He had a lovely smile. Adam wondered if anyone else had ever seen it. “I suppose if everything I was afraid of has come to pass, and destruction is soon to follow no matter what I do, than I’d rather say this than not." He took another breath, like he was preparing to plunge into fire. "Adam, I’m in love with you.”

“I didn’t know, at first, but I suspected pretty soon,” he said. “I didn’t think I could feel such things for a human, at first - and I probably wouldn’t for any other human, if I’m being honest, but you - you guided me through the dark, you were the only one who spoke to me as a person, you’re…”

“You _don’t_ have to reciprocate, of course, I wouldn’t be cruel to you like that, I just wanted to tell you. I’ve never -“ He shivered. “I’ve never felt anything like this before and I don’t think it’s because I’m an angel, my brothers are different - you’re the first person I’ve ever been close to, is all.”

“Adam?”

Adam kicked at the brain cells that had gone offline until they rebooted and thought returned and took a deep breath. “You’re _WHAT_?”

Michael blinked. “In love with you,” he repeated. “I’m sure of it - I had to check it against your memories,” he added awkwardly, “But I do think I am. I’m sorry if it distresses you, it’s not an obligation you have to meet.”

Adam stared at him, and said the only thing he could think of. “You mean I’ve been pining for four hundred _fucking_ years for nothing?”

“Wh -“ Michael stared, and then a light rose in his face like the dawn. “You mean -“

Adam felt laughter bubble up and didn’t even try to contain it, giggles spilling from his mouth like an overflowing stream. “I was all like _ohh, Archangel Michael could never feel such a thing for me_ and then I - I can’t _believe_ you, how long have you been in love with me?”

“About as long as you’ve been in love with me, it seems!” Adam had never seen such an expression on Michael’s face before. _All those painters were right, he is beautiful,_ he thought through the haze of joy in his head. 

“I can’t believe us, we’re so -“ Still laughing, he threw his arms around Michael, who apparently hadn’t been ready for him to do that since they ended up toppling over into the grass. Adam hardly even noticed. “ _Ohh, Michael would never feel like that about someone like me, and even if he did he wouldn’t be ready for something like that, I’ll just have to nobly hide my feelings for the rest of eternity_ and then you just come right out with it!”

"I’m glad I surpassed your expectations!” Michael was laughing too, his Grace reaching for Adam’s soul and Adam reached back. They were feeding off each other a bit, he thought, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. Surely this much happiness was too much for a human body, he thought. Surely he was going to burst!

“I wouldn’t let that happen,” Michael said immediately, and then: “Oh, that was - Metaphor, that was metaphor, right.”

“No, I meant it.” Adam pressed his face to Michael’s chest, inhaling the clean, electric smell of him. “I can’t _believe_ you.”

“I’m just surprised you managed to hide it from me for so long,” Michael said. “Four hundred years, that was -“ 

“When they got Lucifer out instead of me? Right.” Even now, he felt a stab in his chest, and clung even tighter to Michael.

Michael stroked his hand through Adam’s hair. “Why then?"

“Frankly, because before that you were too much of a prick -“

“Fair enough.”

“- But that was when you apologized to me, and you were kind, and you said you would stay with me and then you showed me your memories of that galaxy, and well.” Adam leaned into Michael’s hand. “Maybe galaxies work as dating presents for me. Also, no one else had ever said they would stay with me - but I mean, the galaxy was important.”

“Don’t say that unless you actually want one,” Michael told him. “I’ll make it full of blue stars that are the same color as your eyes.”

There was absolutely nothing Adam could say to that so he followed his instinct - burying his face in Michael’s shirt and screaming, while Michael laughed. “Don’t make me a galaxy, I don’t know how to take care of one,” he said when his brain cells returned, keeping his face pressed into Michael’s torso. “I _hate_ you. Coming out with something like that when you’ve never even thought about dating someone before. Awful.”

“Just think about what I’ll learn to say the more we’re together,” Michael said smugly.

Adam raised his head and crawled up so he could lean over Michael’s face, straddling his chest. Michael leaned his head back, apparently content to lie beneath him. “I love that you think you’d win that,” he said, hands on either side of Michael’s face. “Let me try: you’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever met, the strongest, the most brave, if I could I’d carve mountains to look like you -“

“Okay, stop, stop -“ Michael raised his hands to hide his face. “I can’t hear this.”

“I’m sure you can come up with a suitable revenge,” Adam grinned. He reached over and swiped his thumb across Michael’s cheekbone.

“You’re sure?” He asked, and hated the vulnerability in his voice.

Luckily, Michael understood. “Of course I’m sure,” he emphasized. “You - you’re so clever, and so strong - you’re kind even in Hell, that’s _insane_. And you -“ He reached up and placed his hand over Adam’s. “I feel more…” he struggled for words. “More awake, more alive, when I talk to you. You _challenge_ me, you make me see the world differently. You taught me how to be proud of the world I helped make, you’re…” He smiled gently. “You’re _wonderful_. Of course I’m sure.”

Adam let out a slow breath. “Okay. Good.”

“Are you sure?” Michael asked suddenly, his eyes wide.

Adam smiled. “Of course. You’re…” He leaned down, and pressed his forehead to Michael’s. Michael let out a deep, contented sigh.

“You’re my rock,” Adam said eventually. “I just…” He bit his lip. 

“No one’s ever stayed,” he said quietly. “Either they couldn’t, or they didn’t want to, but I…no one’s ever stayed with me. I just…I feel safe, with you. And I just…I’m not going to pretend that I liked talking to you at the start,” he said, and Michael made a noise caught halfway between a laugh and a sob, “But I…it’s been nice to watch you learn who you are, learn what you like. I like talking to you, I like debating with you, I just…I like being near you. I’m glad to spend eternity with you.” He paused, and added, “Also, looking at galaxies is nice.”

Michael burst out laughing, but Adam felt his words settle into Michael like a stone into a pond, the roiling of his Grace stilling and stabilizing around it. “You love me,” Michael said, wonder aching through his words.

“You love me,” Adam repeated, and he knew his tone had to be roughly the same.

“I wish we had more time,” Michael murmured. He wrapped his arms around Adam, pulling him close. "I wish we could have forever."

“I do too.” Adam gave himself a moment to feel sorrow, the loss at the time they could have had. “But I don’t want to waste the time we have. If there’s nothing we can do and we don’t know when it’s coming, then let’s not worry about it - let’s just go and do whatever we want.” He pressed his face into Michael again. “I don’t want to waste any time that I can get with you. Even if it’ll end soon." 

“Where do you want to go?” Michael asked, his Grace curling around Adam's soul, stroking, soothing. Adam felt the tension in his spine relax. They were together. That was the only thing that mattered. “We didn’t get much of a chance to look at the pyramids. Would you like to go back to Cairo?”

Adam nodded, slowly. “That sounds nice.”

“Then we’ll go,” Michael said. “Anything for you.”

“Not _anything_ ,” Adam protested. The very notion made his head spin.

“I can spoil you if I want to,” Michael said haughtily. Then he grinned, and stroked Adam’s hair again. “I won’t do anything you don’t want, but I like taking care of you.”

“You can only spoil me if I can do the same for you,” Adam grumbled. “I want to take care of you too.”

Michael made a very quiet noise. “…Okay,” he said weakly.

Adam grinned, despite himself. “You have to accept my hundreds of years of pent-up affection for you. Such a burden.”

“Quite,” Michael said, shifting so they could get up off of the grass. “I don’t know how I’ll cope under the strain.”

“I’m confident in your strength,” one of the most true things Adam had ever said as he pulled Michael up. “Let’s go look at some old tombs.”

“I’ll do my best to honor your faith,” Michael said, and wrapped his arm around Adam’s waist, pulling him in close. “Shall we go?”

“Let’s.” Adam paused, before reaching over and gently pecking Michael on the lips.

Michael was so distracted he nearly sent them to Norway instead of Egypt, but when they actually reached the pyramids Adam got to give Michael one of his first lessons in being in a relationship with someone against the side of one, so it was alright, all things considered.

_Fin._

**Author's Note:**

> look I had to write them confessing love once. I just had to


End file.
